Movie # 8- The Void (2001)

The Void.  Made in Canada in 2001.  The dvd box art shows a void in a downtown area of a big city, in the middle of the street, sucking in skyscrapers and cars.  Sounds promising, right?  *Raises hand* Yes, I would like to see cities getting sucked in to a hole of destruction and darkness.  Sounds like a fun party to me.  So I hit play and got comfy on my couch to watch what I thought would for sure be a fun movie.

The movie starts off in what looks like a bunker, but is actually some sort of science-y research center.  A bunch of Russians - at least, I *think* that is the accent they are trying to go for here? Very hard to tell because they are very bad accents- are at the controls of some experiment.  The next 5 mins is just filled with various people just saying things like "initiate beam down", "powering proton storage ring",  "sequence initiated", etc.  Vague instructions were an attempt to keep us informed with what was going on, but it really just felt like the writer was trying to cram in every big science phrase like this that he could think of, just to prove he really knows what he's talking about here.  Not even ten minutes in to the movie, and it already feels drawn out. On a Tv screen in the room is Dr. Abernathy, the tippy top dog running this experiment, who chose not to show up in person.  After some more science-y phrases, an old man comes in the room.  He is the guy who is on site there to run to program.  He argues with the tv, saying that they need to shut everything down or else everything goes boom.   The guy on the tv says he clearly knows better, so they need to go ahead with the experiment.  Everything does indeed go boom. BIG bada boom.

Then we are introduced to our main characters. Professor Eva and professor Price. Eva says hi, Price says hi back. This scene cuts away straight to a unneeded sex scene. It felt like this scene was added because the writer couldn't figure out any other way to show the audience that the two main characters are in a relationship.  Clearly, immediate sex is the best way to show this... I don't know what I must have been thinking.  Anyways, fter the sex scene, Eva goes to her boyfriends computer and starts hacking in to his company's research center information.  There was a really convenient icon right there on the desktop.  It takes her no time at all to find the top secret files about the super duper top secret experiment.  After a movie montage of her solving impossible equation after equation (YES! It was a fucking movie montage of her doing math!), Eva has solved a super complex, impossible, top secret equation that the experiment is based on..... mini black holes.  Black holes the size of atoms, being made and contained at this research lab.  She has also discovered that this nano black hole equation is wrong.  And that it's going to suck up the whole planet.  Now she has to go convince Dr. Abernathy that his life long experiment equation is wrong and save the world.

Sooo...... yeah, that's the basic plot.  It could have been awesome.  Sadly, this movie is far from awesome.  Very....very..... far from awesome.  It's hard to tell which hurt this movie more,  the writing, or the directing.  Both were spectacularly awful.  They were also both done by the same man- Gilbert Shilton.  Shame on you, Mr. Shilton. There were a lot of scenes that seemed to be a waste of time.  There was really no reason for some of these scenes.  It felt like Gilbert wrote a script with a run time of 40 mins, but the studio told him he need to stretch it out to be a 93 min movie, so he added lots...and LOTS of filler.  The writing felt the same.  Sometimes it felt like the characters were just talking in order to drag out the scene.  It felt very awkward and clunky.  The writing also had issues with it's humor.  The jokes flat on their face.  Not even worthy of being called a groaner.  Someone would say something that is supposed to be funny, instead of hearing laughter, you just hear the sound of crickets.  I have a feeling Gilbert thought he was pretty damn funny with those lines and nobody had the balls to tell him he needed to do a re-write.

As for the directing... wow.  Ok, let me walk you through this one scene, ok?  Eva and her boyfriend are crawling through the air vents.  Instead of the camera looking straight at them at an even angle,  the camera view is rotated about 10 inches to the right.  So you see them crawling through the tunnel at an angle.  Their head is at 2 o'clock, their feet at 7.  Then, the camera is slowly rotated back to it's default (normal) angle.  It looked horrible.  D:  I cringed.  The worst part.... the director did this sort of shot more then once.  Agh.   There were also a few scenes were we are watching two characters talking, and all of a sudden the camera starts to cam downward, and then all of a sudden jerks back up to where it was.  It was as if the person controlling the camera let go of it thinking it would stay in it's position, but when it started to slip he quickly grabbed the camera and put it back in place.  It was very sloppy.  This, also, happened often.

The movie was called The Void.  Hmph. More like, The Barely-There-and-Does-Nothing Void.  I guess that was too long of a title, so they just shortened it to just The Void.  But seriously, there was almost NO void action.  First of all, this research center is not in a down town area, or even a very populated area at all.  No sucking in skyscrapers.  No sucking in taxi cars.  Then, when we finally see the mini black hole appear in the research area, it does almost no damage.  *Pauses* Now.... science has never been my subject.... but, I'm pretty sure that if you had a black hole the size of a mini van appear in your building, shit is going to get torn down and sucked in to that hole. Am I right? Black holes are like giant vacuums, yeah?  I would think even shit that is bolted down would get sucked in.  Well, in this movie.... the black hole stirred up some papers and made some doors wobble. Yeah, sure, it sucked in 2 living people and a dead body, but all of them pretty much asked to be sucked up because they stood right on the black hole anyways.  At one point, there was a guy in a wheelchair about 10 feet from this black hole and NOTHING happens to him. Come on!! Seriously? That guy should have been black hole chow and we ALL know it.  Total bullshit that he could stand (well, sit) that close to it and not get sucked in.  HE'S ON WHEELS!! Come on!!

Something that really bothered me, is the total lack of explanation on what the experiment is for.  Uuh, excuse me Mr. Science Guy, but, why are we building nano black holes 20 feet from us again?  Is this some sort of energy thing or what? They never clearly say why this experiment is going on.  The closest we get to one, is Dr. Abernathy saying how he has cancer and he wants to run this experiment before he dies because it's all based on his equations.  Hey, why not?  It'll only destroy THE WORLD if you're wrong. No biggie.

I kinda felt cheated by the ending as well.  for 90 mins Prof. Eva is rattling on about how this black hole will be the end of the world, either it will just start sucking up the whole planet or it will explode like a massive nuclear bomb and blow up the planet.  The main characters stop the black hole by blowing up the research lab.  Ok, again, science isn't my subject and all... but... blowing up the building doesn't really seem like the way to destroy a black hole....? *Shrug* maybe it is... but, it sure felt pretty weak.   I also want to call  shenanigans on the two main characters even surviving said blast.  They are in the heart of this major research lab. They have 5 mins to get out.  The blast radius is like 10 miles or more in every direction.  No fucking way did they get through the building, in a car, start the car, and drive off before that blast happened.  I don't care how fast your car is, there is just no way. NO. WAY.

Agh! This movie was boring and frustrating and had NO pay off at all.  Only 93 mins, it felt like 2 hours.  I would recommend not watching this movie. Ever.

Movie #007: Bloodsuckers (2005)

So I was channel surfing early last week and I came across this movie, Bloodsuckers.  Not reconizing the title, I checked the guide info to see what the plot summary said. "Commandos search for vampires in the universe."  I'm sorry, what was that? Space Vampires? Dude, I'm so there, lets DO THIS shit! How could this movie not be good?

Well.... >.> I give this movie a gold star for having an honest plot summary.  There were commandos, and they did indeed search around the universe looking for vampires.  So why do I feel so let down when I knew exactly what I was getting in to?

Bloodsuckers had almost a constant flow of action. The group of special vampire attack clean up commandos went from location to location, following supposedly random signs of vampire attacks on Earth stations.  It takes a while for the plot to really evolve into something other then random gaga. For the first 40 mins of the movie it feels like there is no real plot and instead the writer just wanted to cram in different multiple go chase the vampire killer scenes for no real reason besides action.  


Even though there is action galore, Bloodsuckers was so..... so....... booOOOOooorrrrriiing.  I don't know how long the actual run time of this movie is, but it felt WAY too long.  The action scenes were by no means epic.  They were just... there. It felt like filler, not building.


OMG! The best scene EVER just happend. Ha! Ok, get this... The group of commandos go to this one location where a lot of humans have been slaughtered (including a clown. Aw. Sadface.).  The group is expecting a lot of space vampires, but eventually, they only find one.  After supposedly killing the vamp, his body starts to convulse. Out spring these... worm like creatures.  One of the commandos turns out to be a vampire herself, and apparently has some form of... telepathy... of some sort...? She also has convenient knowledge on all the different types of space vampires out in the galaxy.  She then begins to spoon feed us the explanation of how the vampire that was just killed was only the host body, and that these worms are.... yes, the real vampires.  The team proceeds to kill 5 of them, but just when they think they are all done, we see the body start to twitch again.  The vampy commando chick leans down to the body and says she wants to keep this one alive and... uh huh, that's right... she wants to ask it questions. Yes, really. What happens next is epic.  I searched high and low on youtube and found the clip to watch!  Sorry for it being in russian... but it was the only version of the clip I could find. Now CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! Yes. It TOTALLY just went there!! Ha! I just about died I laughed so hard.  I even had to rewind and watch it 2 more times. That was just... wow. :D


Ok, so after this epic space vampire worm (I bet you never thought you'd read that all in one sentence before!) scene, we FINALLY get a nugget of fucking plot! About time. It turns out all those random action get the vampire scenes were actually perpetrated by a small group of humans lead by a hot blonde.  They are sabotaging Earth outposts and sending space vampires there to kill everyone all in the name of what? "Fighting against the unbridled earth imperialism." Say what? To add to that wonderful line, the actor delivers it in the most wooden, emotionless possible way ever. It was great!  There is a group of vampires working with them.  The leaders brother was killed by the commandos previous-now-deceased captain, but for some reason he is focusing his hate on the newbie captain who just stepped in to the role hours before hand. Oookay. Hey, fuck it.  At least it's SOMETHING.


The newby captain amazingly figures out that the human blonde chick is behind everything and the team head in to the final confrontation.  The captain goes off to meet the blonde and the leader vampire, while his teammates stay in a different section of the station.  When the newby captain arrives in front of the leader vampire, it turns out the commandos dead captain (now turned space vampire) is really the one who wanted to focus in on the newby.  The two captains then start having a fight to the death. Since this is the big show down at (what you are hoping is) the end of the movie, you would think at least THIS would be exciting, right? Nooo.


The undead old captain dominates the fight with ridiculous punches that fling the newby captain across the room.  There was one light  punch to the face that sent the newby flying up, spitting blood, and then directly back down in the same spot.  Through the whole movie, they've made a big point about how all the space vampires (even the ones turned) are really hard to kill because there is a bone(? I guess?) casing that grows over the heart and you have to hit them with tremendous force in the chest to kill them.  Something like a powerful gun or a metal stake being jammed the fuck down on their chest. Guess how the newby kills the undead captain? It's fuckdiculous.  Vampire captain throws the newb in to an all glass cabinet.  While slumped on the floor, the newb captain pics up a sliver of glass. Medium sized piece.  The vampire captain grabs the newb and is about to kill him, when all of a sudden the newb stabs him in the chest with this piece of glass. SERIOUSLY? Stabbed in the chest by a fucking piece of glass??? Oh COME ON!

God, just roll the fucking credits already! I don't care about the happy feel good part at the end where the team now embraces the newby captain as one of their own. Fuck that.  Just fade to fucking black already.

This isn't a totally horrible movie.  It's not even in my top ten worst movies ever list.  But this movie was very boring and just didn't wow any of my senses.  I could rant more about some of the other problems with this movie, but I just want to move past this one already! :O  Get it out of here... 

A tale from the dark side...

I love VHS.  "But Ami, it's obsolete and clunky, yo!" you say? Yes, yes, I know! But, you know what is great about old VHS tapes? You can find some super fun obscure movies on tape that are not (and probably never will be) on any other format. I've found a lot of smaller b-movie gems that have been long forgotten about. 

Obviously, I can't just walk in to your average store and browse a VHS selection and find a plethora of b-movie awesomeness... For happy hunting you normally have to slum it and go  dig around thrift stores, pawn shops and flea markets.  Which, I have no problem with that at all. I love the worn out and broken side of life anyways, so I have fun prowling around these places.


Lately my fave location is the local flea market.  There was this one booth who had a TON of VHS tapes, and not just 50 copies of Armageddon or some other hot title that sold a shit ton... no, this guy had shit you'd never fucking heard about before... and for all genres too! This guy had such gems as Hellcab, and Mountaintop Motel Massacre! It was such an awesome booth! And, they were fucking cheap as hell too!  I would spend so much time there drooling over titles and filling my arms up with way too many tapes to even carry.


I had not been to the flea market in a while and, with getting back to my horror movie watching and blogging, I wanted to go and pick up some new VHS movie selections today.  I was really looking forward to seeing what kind of goodies were in store today! I get SO excited about finding some obscure B-movie mixed in with the mainstream movies. So "looking forward to..." might have been a little bit of an understatement!

When we first got to the flea market, we went to the opposite side of the building just to lightly browse isles before hitting the booth where I'd probably spend all my cash at.  Aside from looking for horror VHS tapes, I also like to look for My Little Pony items (Yes. That's right. Horror AND My Little Ponies.), so I had no problem looking around at the other areas of the flea market.  My husband and I are kinda retro-ish in many ways.  We both still have record players and we have a decent selection of records to play.  We also have things like original Atari, and still play the NES (the first Nintendo for those of you who aren't that nerdy) When we go to the flea market, my husband likes to ditch me and hit all the booths that have records or older games.  He saw some nice looking nerdy booths he wanted to check out, while I was itching to get to the big VHS booth.  So he stays there and I start walking to the other side of the building now.  Before going to the VHS booth, I stopped and looked at this one rather cluttered area that I've always had a little bit of luck at finding interesting items. While I'm looking high and low, my husband walks up to me with this expression on his face -> D: After asking what's up, he informs me that he just walked past the area the VHS guy had his big booth... and it's gone! D: indeed! FUCK! NO! Impossible!  I was really upset.  I was even more PISSED OFF! That was the whole goddamn point of coming out to the fucking flea market today!! >:( Grrrr. 


So, yeah. I was fucking mad.  My husband had another booth in the very back that he wanted to check out. His friend said it was a new record booth back there.  I'm like, I'm going to the front and waiting there. >:(  We go our seperate ways, and I wait up front for what felt like FUCKING FOREVER! It probably just felt that way because I was really hot (the building has ZERO air flow!), my back was hurting again, no ponies, no VHS tapes. OR maybe my husband just TOOK THAT FUCKING LONG back there...? I don't know. Anyways, he eventually shows up and I want to just get the fuck out of there, go home and sulk, but he informs me that I should go to the back area because there is a booth with a bunch of VHS tapes.  So I went back there (and yeah! I MAY have stomped back there. Big fuck. ).


Two old guys had about 4 tables set up with stacks and stacks of VHS tapes all across the table tops.  He has a sign saying $1 per tape, $ 4 for 6 tapes.... or something like that. Anyways... the first table I hit, I didn't find much of interest. Mostly mainstream lame movies that were mostly in the veins of comedy, drama or action. Boo. Hiss.  Stuff like Home Alone, Dances with wolves, and Armageddon. Yes. There really are thousands of copies of Armageddon! Apparently I am the ONLY person on the planet who did not own that movie on tape.

All in all, I ended up buying 9 VHS tapes! It wasn't the greatest pull ever, but it was good enough to make me slightly less pissed off.  Half the tapes I bought were just some of my more fave. movies and I wanted to get them on VHS tape so I could have them on hand in my office... the other half of movies were movies that looked like they could be fun B-movie watching time.  Sadly, there wasn't that much straight up horror, but there was some sci-fi horror.  That'll do.

Here is the list of movies I bought that are movies I've already seen and are some of my more fave movies out there:

1. Dark City. (1998)  When John Murdoch awakens in a strange hotel room, he finds that he is wanted for a series of brutal murders.  The problem is that he can't remember a thing.  Pursued by the police and haunted by The Strangers, mysterious beings who possess the ability to stop time and alter reality, he seeks to unravel the twisted riddle of his identity.  But in a city where reality is the ultimate illusion, discovering the truth could be fatal.
2. Lord of Illusions. (1995)  Harry D'Amour, a private detective visiting Los Angles on a routine investigation gets more then he bargained for when he encounters Philip Swann, a performer who's amazing illusions captivate the world.  But are they really illusions?  Harry isn't so sure as he is thrust into a nightmare of murder, deception and terrifying assaults from the dark arts.
3. The Fifth Element. (1997)  New York cab driver Korben Dallas didn't mean to be a hero. But he just picked up the kind of fare that only comes along every five thousand years.  A perfect beauty, a perfect being, a perfect weapon.  Now, together, they must save the world. (WOW.  The back of the cover SERIOUSLY does not give this movie nearly enough details to what the movie is about. Aliens. Bruce Willis.  Explosions. Gary Oldman. Sci-fi. Lots of ass kicking. Mila Jovovich. Did I mention aliens? There, that about sums it up.)
4.  Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. (2001)  The year is 2065 AD.  The Earth is infested with aliens and mankind faces total extinction.  Led by a strange dream and guided by her mentor Dr. Sid, scientist Aki Ross struggles to collect the eight spirits in the hope of creating a force powerful enough to destroy the alien presence and pure enough to protect the planet.  With the aid of the Deep Eyes Squadron, Aki must save the Earth from it's darkest hate and unleash the spirits within.  (And FUCK all you assholes who didn't support this movie back in 2001! It was fucking mind blowing and nobody went to see it!! >:(  )

Here is a list of the b-movie gems I found:

1. Supernova. (1999) Light years from home, in the farthest reaches of deep space, the medical vessel Nightingale Keeps a lonely vigil for those in trouble.  When a frantic cry for help pierces the void, the crew responds with a near fatal, hpyerspace dimension jump into the unknown.  Entering into a gravitational pull of a dying star, the disabled ship rescues a shuttle craft containing a mysterious survivor and a strange alien artifact.  Now the crew must unravel a chilling secret and escape the nearby imploding star before the forming supernova blasts them and the entire galaxy into oblivion!
2. They Crawl. ( ?)  A computer whiz named Bean is among several people found dead with strange striations, odd puncture wounds, and missing internal organs.  Bean's brother Ted teams up with detective Gina to get to the bottom of it.  With the help of a computer hacker, the find a blueprint that reveals the killer who has been terrorizing the city.. a rampaging posse of genetically mutated cockroaches!
3. Cyber City (1999).   It's the year 2017, the Earth's surface is destroyed and it's citizens flee to an underground wasteland ruled by warring religious cults.  In this sinful cybercity, mercenary Dakota's family is murdered by a perverse virtual prophet (RODDY PIPER FUCK YEAH!!!!!) bent on world domination.  Seeking justice, Dakota, beautiful assassin Lilith and an arsenal of hi-tech weaponry battle for the Earth's most precious resource- Humanity! It's time for the false prophets to meet their makers!
4. Sphere (1998).  Far below the surface in the mid-Pacific, U.S. officials have isolated what may be the greatest discovery in human history.  They've found a huge spacecraft that plunged into the depths- 300 years ago.  After three centuries, could there still be living intelligence aboard?
5. Lifeforce. (1985)  As space vampires invade Earth, the human race is catapulted into a desperate battle for survival.  (Really, after space vampires are mentioned, do I even have to type the rest of the back cover?? I think NOT!)
6. Armageddon( 1998)  When an asteroid the size of Texas is.... JUST KIDDING! I don't even want to watch that movie, and i embrace cheesy.

I'm not sure where these movies will fit in to long list of already Must Watch movies... but, for now, I'm happy to add them to my collection.

Yikes! I know, right!

Hello! 

I've been away for a while, but I'm back now!!

I think it's time to get our b-movie watching back on track!! 

I've got a ton of DVDs still! A bunch of VHS tapes as well! And let's not forget about what I've been DVR'ing on my cable box! Lots of fun in store! WEEE!!!

Movie # 006 Triassic Attack (2010)

NOOOOO!!!!!! AGH! I've missed 20 mins of the new SyFy channel movie Triassic Attack!! Maaaan!!!
I'm really pissed! I meant to DVR it and I completely forgot! Great! Now I have no idea what is going on.... Some guy is flipping his shit, in the rain, getting in to a bulldozer. Looks like I missed the dinosaur bones coming to life! Dammit... what pissed them off and brought them to life?! I hate missing the first part of a movie! It's only slightly important you know?

I've only been watching for a few mins, but the effects are already.... well.  Noticeable? Nice CGI fire (Ha. Yeah. Right...).... but, really, fire IS difficult to re-create with CGI methods.  It's 90% noticeable most of the timeNot saying nobody does it right...you know?  I understand what kind of movie I'm getting in to, but come on. Fire CGI...ok, I'll look the other way, but the smoke too? CGI smoke (badly done at that!)...? No reason for weak attempts like that. Even with a no budget, you can do certain smaller effects, like.... smoke and make it realistic looking. Yes. It's possible. Eye roll # 1.

Ok, so far the plot appears to be.... a small town is under attack by dinosaur bones, somehow brought back to life.  Looks like there is a school archeology class working on a dig,  a new girl in town going out with some friends, a guy living in his trailer, and a group of kids partying at a lake and a sheriff(?) out trying to figure out what the hell is going on with some missing artifacts.  I'm not sure if this is the only group of cast members or not...? Doesn't look like everyone knows what's going on yet.  How a bunch of dinosaur bones hide in a small town with nobody realizing it yet? (Eye roll # 2.) Well... I guess it's possible. I mean, what? A T-Rex is like, what 2 stories tall or something like that, right? So far I've only seen 3 dinos.  A Pterodactyls, a T-Rex, and...what I'm guessing is a... Rapter (?). Oh, and now I find out why the dino bones are up and wandering around.  The local medicine man had a indian ceremony because he was angry at the rich white guy buying up the local land (eye roll # 3.)

There are some cheesy little jokes thrown in the movie for extra measure. Stuff like,  a guy hidding under a cow from a dino-bone-a-saur. The camera shows a fiew from under the cow. The guy says   "That's utterly terrifying...". Hardy, har, har...yeah?  I like that better then some of the cliched parts though (and that's just half way through the movie!). Really, a stalled car right as a dino attacks? Seriously?? (Eye roll #..... oh hell I've lost count by now...)

The acting seems better then some of the last few movies I've watched. Ha. Everyone is decent, except for the sheriff. He's not terrible though, he's just... kinda painful to watch. So wooden.

There are some incredibly unbelievable  moments in the movie though.  No, I'm not talking about the dino bones coming to life. I could totally believe that... but a 2 teenagers who don't have their cell phones with them? No WAY! Sorry, I don't buy that at all. It's ridiculous when stuff like that gets written in to a script. If you're going to have someone not have a cellphone, make the reason realistic. Have the phone left at home because it needs 3 hours to charge. (DO NOT, however, pull the "oh I'm in a spot of trouble, let me whip out my cellphone and start dialing, say 2 words and then my phone dies because it has a dead battery and I never noticed it was drained before hand". )

The CGI bones don't look as bleh as I thought it would. I mean, I understand... that's a hard texture to do with CGI and a lot of times people make the mistake of making it more shiny, smooth 3D looking instead of trying to go with a grungier, dirtier texture that looks more realistic and less sleek plastic-ish. The dino bones have a little bit of that shine to them, but it's tolerable enough to where it doesn't totally take you out of the movie instantly.

My biggest problem with the movie would be the cliched writing... I had several eye-rolling moments all through the movie. Talk about a long list of cliched. I don't even have time to type up the list, it's that long. I'm not sure who the writer is (IMDB fail!), but he really didn't hold back with the borrowed over done ideas. He (or she) just kept chucking them out. Is there an app for that or something?  I'll check my iPhone... I'm a terrible writer, I could use the help.  Maybe I can get a movie on SyFy too? :o


Still had an entertaining time watching the movie. Is it a must own?  Well... not really... but it was fun to watch...............on tv..................for free.  :)

3 stars out of 5

Movie # 005 Thankskilling (2009)

For a Thanksgiving treat, last night I talked my husband in letting me put on Thankskilling for our usual movie night with friends.  After making friends and family members sit through movies like Munchies, I have been informed that I can no longer make any movie picks nor suggestions.  I personally think I pick out perfectly fine selections.  So they may not be oscar winners on any level and some of them most likely will make your movie player of choice (DVD, VHS, streaming, whatever...) contemplate suicide instead of finishing the movie you picked out... but come on.  It's the sense of adventure! To find the hidden gems or the infamous "OH GOD IT'S SO BAD IT'S GOOD!!" movies.  My family and friends don't seem to share that opinion, I guess.


So when I managed to get Thankskilling on the movie list for the night, I was pretty happy.  My husband was very nervous and our friend groaned.  They can suck it. It was Thanksgiving night and there just really aren't that many Thanksgiving horror movies, you know? Slim pickings, yo!  Besides, I had been hearing about this movie off and on for a while and it's clearly a movie you MUST see.


My husband cheered up (a little) as soon as the movie opened and the first shot of the movie is about 2 mins of close up boob.  According to him, a good movie = lots of token boobage for no real reason other then showing some boob.  I think he's watched too many 80s comedies.


Thankskilling is... wow.  That's the best word I can come up to describe  the craziness inside this movie. Evil demon turkey (a la very plastic-y turkey hand puppet) on a killing spree. This movie is all kinds of messed up.  I love it when the turkey is wearing a human mask on his face, and the humans are totally fooled by it or the scene where the turkey is wearing a disguise of glasses with the fake nose and mustache  and a man dressed in a turkey outfit are both having coffee together. Ha. Again.... wow.  There are some scenes in this movie that are- really- unforgettable. I'm looking at YOU extra small gravy flavored condom next to dead slut! I think I could have done without the demon turkey / human whore sex scene. Pretty sure you'll never see that in another movie...EVER........................I hope.....




I think my favorite part has to be at the end, when the demon turkey becomes radioactive (complete with full body green neon glow)! Everything just became extra fuckdiculous after that point that it all came back around to awesome.


Thankskilling is not a great movie. At all.... but it's one that I think lovers of B-movies and shlock must see at least once in their life time.  It knows it's bad, it embraces the bad, it never apologizes for it.  Thankskilling just rolls with it and has fun.

2 1/2 stars out of 5

(but still a must see!)

Movie # 004 Scarecrows (1988)

This movie was.... hard to follow.  Lack of explanations and pointless camera shots kept me confused through the whole thing.


Ok.... see, we start out with a group of people in a plain.  The group of people are military....? I guess? Anyways, they stole a shit load of money from their job- whatever it was- and now they have .....hijacked a plane and kidnapped a pilot and his daughter? Ok... I'm following that much so far.


A 1-2 punch in this movie is overacting followed by lack of explanation.  It seems to be the writer /directors favorite combination so far.  Well bravo.  You're doing an awesome job with that.


Now, apparently there is a double crosser in the gang of thieves and he grabs the money and jumps out the plane.  Parachutes down in to the safety of what looks like Alabama backwoods, but I think it's supposed to be Mexico...? Not sure.  As soon as he starts scrambling around on the ground, you start seeing these scarecrows about.  Tons of them.   They are pretty fuckugly.  You can tell that the art department was on a time crunch because only 2 of them look decent, while the rest of them are barely slapped together.


Now,  two more people from the group parachute down to try and track the double crosser down, while everyone else in the plane is going to find a place to land or whatever... and catch up later.




What this means, is that we have about 20 mins of filler as everyone on the ground just circles in the same small amount of woods while trying to pretend this is a huge big open area. Fail.  This gets boring quick.  I'm tried of watching the double crosser piss himself at every scarecrow and I'm equally tired of watching the two who are chasing him yell retarded things in to their headset.  We got it. You're chasing the guy. You can stop being obnoxious d-bags now.  I'm bored.


I don't know if I dozed off or if it was just not shown, but the peeps in the plane land somewhere and find this lone house amazingly close to where they landed the plane. Oh, and it also just happens to be abandoned. Cool.  So some of the group shack up at the house with the hostages, while the other part of the group go and also search for the double crosser, who, at this point is so terrified of all the scarecrows, you can probably follow his trail be the stream of urine he's leaving behind.


Before our scene at the house ends for the moment, the camera focuses on this picture on the wall.  A little smaller then an 8 x 10,  3 older men who look like they are posing after a long day of hunting.  Is this pivotal to the story?  Is this a clue of something I need to file away for later?  Is this somehow foreshadowing something?? I don't know...


So now over half the gang is chasing this one guy who still is somehow NOT very far away.   We the viewer see a quick snip of a kill scene.  Something kills the double crosser. Not sure how or what or whatever... It wasn't a very satisfying kill scene to be honest.  Very anticlimactic.  I mean, fuck, we've been waiting almost 40 mins now for shit to even go on in the movie and this is the first big action scene we get?  Way to lose the audience almost completely.


Since the gang didn't get to see our awesome snip of the double crosser getting killed,  they all head back to the house to .... I don't know, I guess figure out what they want to do from here? I don't know. I was too busy thinking how nobody really checked the house out.  They just waltz in to this one main livingroom and don't bother examining anything farther.  What if there are people still living here? Or what if there was a killer there? No no, we don't need to bother looking around the seemingly abandoned house for any reason whatso-ever. Oh, well, Ok...


This movie fills like 90% filler.  I mean.  There are a ton of just needless shots. It's like the writer / director only had 50 pages of actual story and had to fill out lack of story with stupid shots that have nothing to do with anything.  Not only does he zero in on objects that have nothing to do with anything, he gets lazy... or cheap.... or lazy and cheap and re-uses a lot of the same footage!! What the fuck?? Now, not only do I have to see scarecrow A. 30 times every other scene, but I get the same exact footage of  scarecrow A.?? You can't give me another fucking angle? Or a different zoom in?  Really? Nice.  I swear they showed the plane making the same dive down-now-up shot 4 times. same trees in the background, they didn't even change the lighting! While the group wanders around the forest, it's pitch dark, when we switch to plane view it's day time? So. Lazy.  


Remember how I mentioned earlier about this one picture on the wall of these 3 men?   Well through out the rest of the movie, that same picture (I think it might have been the same damn shot repeated as well!!)  was focused on several other times.  At least - I swear- 5 more times. Guess what the point was? THERE WAS NO POINT!!!! IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING WHAT-SO-EVER!!! It was never talked about,  no story told about who the fuck those guys were or how they were worth being focused on so often.   


Looking around online, I found I wasn't the only one confused by vague clues in a sub par plot.  There seem to be many theories about.... *waves hands around* whatever....was going on.  Occasionally, during some of the filler scenes, we would get camera shots of  these 3 scarecrow crosses that had no scarecrows.  Well, apparently there is a little confusion about those  as well.  While I thought they were scarecrow posts, some people thought they were tombstone crosses...? They looked way too big for that, but... I don't know. Anyways... some people felt those 3 crosses represented the 3 brothers (??) in the photo.   Another thing people couldn't figure out, were the scarecrows that killed people.... were they the 3 guys in the photo? Did the 3 guys in the photo kill people and turn them in to scarecrows? I....don't know.  I DON'T! God, this movie was so aggravating.  Don't get me wrong.  I love a movie that makes you think and question what you saw, but this was just ridiculous filled with sloppy. 


The reason some people think that the hundreds of scarecrows might have been ex-people, is because eventually, after the double crosser had his lame final exit scene, he comes back to the house and tries to kill everyone.  After the gang defeat him, they find out that he has been cut open down his torso and everything (I guess the bones as well?) has been replaced with straw and money.  So.... the double crosser  looks like a normal guy but the....insides of him are.... scarecrow...ish?  Oh, yeah... spoiler alert...  I don't know if the scarecrows are ex-people or if they were more like big voodoo dolls...?  At this point in the movie, I'm starting to not care. 


At the very end of the movie, one of the gang members actually goes to in to one of the other rooms and.... guess what? there is this huge room filled with satanist stuff, blood symbols on the wall, a skinned blood arm, a ritual alter and all this other shit showing that some sort of evil hoo-doo obviously happened here.  This room was one room away from the main room everyone stood in the whole freaking time.  Are you really going to tell me that NOBODY would have noticed it or checked it out? Really? I find it very hard to believe.  See, this is the kind of lazy crap I'm talking about.  You could easily fix this be, say, it's a locked door and they only eventually get in in a fit of desperate escape. 


This movie wasn't horrible.  It was mostly just aggravating due to stupid lazy stuff like the above mentioned stuff.  I honestly can't understand why...out there on the wide open inter web... so many people praise this movie.  Did we watch the same thing?? I'm starting to wonder...  It's either a totally different movie or this thing is highly over-rated. 

2 1/2 stars out of 5