Well.... >.> I give this movie a gold star for having an honest plot summary. There were commandos, and they did indeed search around the universe looking for vampires. So why do I feel so let down when I knew exactly what I was getting in to?
Bloodsuckers had almost a constant flow of action. The group of special vampire attack clean up commandos went from location to location, following supposedly random signs of vampire attacks on Earth stations. It takes a while for the plot to really evolve into something other then random gaga. For the first 40 mins of the movie it feels like there is no real plot and instead the writer just wanted to cram in different multiple go chase the vampire killer scenes for no real reason besides action.
Even though there is action galore, Bloodsuckers was so..... so....... booOOOOooorrrrriiing. I don't know how long the actual run time of this movie is, but it felt WAY too long. The action scenes were by no means epic. They were just... there. It felt like filler, not building.
OMG! The best scene EVER just happend. Ha! Ok, get this... The group of commandos go to this one location where a lot of humans have been slaughtered (including a clown. Aw. Sadface.). The group is expecting a lot of space vampires, but eventually, they only find one. After supposedly killing the vamp, his body starts to convulse. Out spring these... worm like creatures. One of the commandos turns out to be a vampire herself, and apparently has some form of... telepathy... of some sort...? She also has convenient knowledge on all the different types of space vampires out in the galaxy. She then begins to spoon feed us the explanation of how the vampire that was just killed was only the host body, and that these worms are.... yes, the real vampires. The team proceeds to kill 5 of them, but just when they think they are all done, we see the body start to twitch again. The vampy commando chick leans down to the body and says she wants to keep this one alive and... uh huh, that's right... she wants to ask it questions. Yes, really. What happens next is epic. I searched high and low on youtube and found the clip to watch! Sorry for it being in russian... but it was the only version of the clip I could find. Now CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! Yes. It TOTALLY just went there!! Ha! I just about died I laughed so hard. I even had to rewind and watch it 2 more times. That was just... wow. :D
Ok, so after this epic space vampire worm (I bet you never thought you'd read that all in one sentence before!) scene, we FINALLY get a nugget of fucking plot! About time. It turns out all those random action get the vampire scenes were actually perpetrated by a small group of humans lead by a hot blonde. They are sabotaging Earth outposts and sending space vampires there to kill everyone all in the name of what? "Fighting against the unbridled earth imperialism." Say what? To add to that wonderful line, the actor delivers it in the most wooden, emotionless possible way ever. It was great! There is a group of vampires working with them. The leaders brother was killed by the commandos previous-now-deceased captain, but for some reason he is focusing his hate on the newbie captain who just stepped in to the role hours before hand. Oookay. Hey, fuck it. At least it's SOMETHING.
The newby captain amazingly figures out that the human blonde chick is behind everything and the team head in to the final confrontation. The captain goes off to meet the blonde and the leader vampire, while his teammates stay in a different section of the station. When the newby captain arrives in front of the leader vampire, it turns out the commandos dead captain (now turned space vampire) is really the one who wanted to focus in on the newby. The two captains then start having a fight to the death. Since this is the big show down at (what you are hoping is) the end of the movie, you would think at least THIS would be exciting, right? Nooo.
The undead old captain dominates the fight with ridiculous punches that fling the newby captain across the room. There was one light punch to the face that sent the newby flying up, spitting blood, and then directly back down in the same spot. Through the whole movie, they've made a big point about how all the space vampires (even the ones turned) are really hard to kill because there is a bone(? I guess?) casing that grows over the heart and you have to hit them with tremendous force in the chest to kill them. Something like a powerful gun or a metal stake being jammed the fuck down on their chest. Guess how the newby kills the undead captain? It's fuckdiculous. Vampire captain throws the newb in to an all glass cabinet. While slumped on the floor, the newb captain pics up a sliver of glass. Medium sized piece. The vampire captain grabs the newb and is about to kill him, when all of a sudden the newb stabs him in the chest with this piece of glass. SERIOUSLY? Stabbed in the chest by a fucking piece of glass??? Oh COME ON!
God, just roll the fucking credits already! I don't care about the happy feel good part at the end where the team now embraces the newby captain as one of their own. Fuck that. Just fade to fucking black already.
This isn't a totally horrible movie. It's not even in my top ten worst movies ever list. But this movie was very boring and just didn't wow any of my senses. I could rant more about some of the other problems with this movie, but I just want to move past this one already! :O Get it out of here...
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